Deaf Ears

This blog post almost definitely falls on eaf ears but....we went a trip to Spain.

http://jefkie.blogspot.com

Almond Joy....why?!

I remember the day I found out I like Almond Joy/Mounds. They were delciious.

I also remember the day that I found out that Almond Joy and Mounds were super bad for you cuz of the sugar etc...I was like "hey man, it's has coconut in it, that's a fruit! Most of it is coconut...Very sad day indeed

-Jeff

Mommas

Texas Mommas: Don't name your kids after cities.

(seriously, besides people named Houston, Austin, Dallas, i can't think of other city named people except Paris and Cleveland)

Ironically, this post is on Mother's day 2008. Even though you'll never read this, I love you Mom!

-Jeff

Rejoice! For Jeff hath posted!

Ok blog. It's just you and me, and we're going to do this.
Time to chronicle this moment in time. We've been avoiding this for some time now and it'll haunt you when you're older that you failed to give future you the ability to look back at old more youthful you.

In the proud tradition of previous blogs during school, I'll go towards the category format that seemed to work so well. In the proud tradition of all my blogs, i will continue to not care about spelling, typing, and grammar errors.

so time to think aloud...what would be the categories that i would type up now? Things like classes/professors don't really apply, but some categories would still apply. Here's a rough preview for you, a rough pre-sketch of the blog for me. The categories in no particular order...
-Current Work
-Future, passion
-Hobbies/extra-currics
-Girls and looove
-Friends
-Family
-Faith

Oh, before I get into "all that", I should comment that I changed the name of the blog. It used to be called "En Passant" which is an little known move in chess that involves pawn's opening move and is rarely used. Anyway, I suppose when I chose that name I was a little more pretentious and I thought it was so "Elite" and "esoteric" of a name. Now tho i think it's just funny to look back on how cool I thought it was. The new name which is in the opposite realm of the previous name, might stay or i might come up with a new name, but anyway, it is what it is now...

Current Work
------------

In fear of my overbearing company searching "Jeff Chan AND Company Name" i'll go ahead and withhold where i'm actually working in the blog, tho i'm sure they could be clever enough to find this blog if they really wanted to. Anyway, i'm working in Cincinnati, OH for the worlds biggest consumer goods company. I started on October 31, 2006, which puts me at about the 1 year + 5 month mark as I write this. I don't think I ever explicitly wrote that out before (starting that is), so good thing to get it down on paper now.

My job title is "scientist/engineer" in the upstream tech division for the paper products of this consumer goods company, so that means paper towels, toilet paper, and tissue paper. I work on future technologies for these products that will make them better in the marketplace for the consumer. could be making them stronger, softer, etc... I figure out which techs work/don't work and then take the ones that do work and figure out how they work and how to exploit them.

The job is dynamic in terms of work matter. What I do changes day to day and projects change too. The people are great, and the money is ok too.

What is not appealing is that the subject matter is not ultra interesting and after a while will probably drive me insane. I'll be the first to admit I know way too much about the stuff now (and there are people that know tons more than me) and that I have a soft spot for paper now, but it is not the greatest thing to tell people you work on. Not sexy at all. And it shouldn't matter that much what others think, but still, not the greatest gig in the world telling people that I work on toilet paper technology.

Sometimes I wonder if any job will satisfy me, maybe i am too lazy and I just don't like to work. I was always fascinated by the Confucius quote "find a job that you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life" or something to that effect. however Mr. C easier said than done. Which leads quite nicely to the next topic...

Future/passion
--------------

Still looking for passion. I don't even know what it will be like when I find it, but i imagine it will be something I can devote myself to endlessly without thought of how much time or effort is being used. But the WRETCHED thing about this world is that this passion should also bring in some of that cold hard cash...because I think I could easily devote myself to love, and that brings profits of another maybe better sort, but Love doesn't bring the money I need for food. Unless...I made my love into a reality show that people around the world found interesting. I suppose if you had a love that is made of the stuff of legends, then this could possibly be true...

So that was a definite aside.

Besides bringing in money, and self-satisfaction there is still a part of me leftover from High School years that is not completely dead, not completely quelled. It is the part of me that seeks greatness and wants to change the world. When I was leaving high school I went into engineering because i wanted to create/invent things that changed the way people lived in this world. Huge goal, and I guess I am doing that to some extent now, but it could get better than this...Anyway the pt is that the perfect passion would also lead to some effect, leave a mark on this world beyond family.

Future, still unclear. I will remain in Ohio for a bit though, and by a bit I mean from now, at least 1-2 years. I know 1-2 years is such a uncertain amount of time given that 2 yrs is double 1, but this is my uncertainty so blah on you. The reason is that I want to see a couple things I've started at the company go thru to completion or failure in the worst case, but I want to see some wheels turn, see fruits of my labor.

After that? No idea, grad school? and of what type? More work, but in what field? Completely unknown. This is troublesome honestly; I was gonna just end it at that, but that would be too easy, gonna force myself to get this down on e-paper to see if i can even substantiate my thoughts. or maybe it is one of those things that i can't even put into words. several options here...time to go into full blown sublist

1- Stay at the company: there is honestly a good career to be had here and I'm sure the money would be good enough to raise a family etc, but there is no *passion* here for the work. i don't know when the grind will completely tear me up, but it isn't right now

2- Leave for MBA/do MBA during stint here: MBA is generally regarded as good, but good for what? Do I want to manage people in my next/future jobs? I guess this is pretty wide open in that during the MBA I would be opened up to a lot of opportunities and meet a lot of people if I went to the right school. But would I get into a field i'm passionate about? or would i get passionate about managing people?

ASIDE- back to current job stuff- i might be managing an intern at my job - semi exciting stuff - i hope I can see if i like to manage someone else's work versus actaully doing the work, maybe this will be a passion...considering that, it would be a passion that will probably bring in the money, but in terms of affecting the world, not too big. Well I guess you do touch the world of the people you manage, but...seems in a pretty tame way.

3- go back to ChemE grad school, get back into bio, genetics etc...right now at this moment, this doesn't sound too bad. I think what stopped me from making this jump initially was that while doing this type of work in my undergrad, the projects were not my own, and the time crunch of doing research work and a standard ChE undergrad were too straining on the research work and social life. I'd like to open this one back up.

4- Go to law school - i honestly HATE arguing so the only thing about this that is attractive is the respect and money. You don't even affect the world that much as this, unless you make a lot of money and put it to good use, which has some merit i guess

5- Go to med school - this is a combo of 3-4 i guess. It will bring in the money and affect the world and it has a lot of bio, chem related stuff. The KEY reason that I didn't go this route earlier is that i'm not sure i have a passion for helping people and dealing with other people's problems. One doctor told me not to get into the field unless I wanted to help people every single day. I wasn't sure if i could say that, so i backed off.

And that brings me to an aside. I wasn't sure if i wanted to help people. I think when I make this jump or the final jump, i'm not gonna be as sure as I want to be. And as i talked in the post before this (the delayed post), at some Point, you will have run out of time. I drew the line at age 30 and honestly that might be a bit harsh. I mean I can toil till whatever age then come out and start my own successful business at a reasonable age, so that might be what happens. I think there is just going to be RISK involved that I am going to have to embrace. Let's do this Jeff. Start embracing it.

The benefit to taking the risk now is that you don't have family tied to you, people depending on you, so i guess the risk increases as time goes on, so I should take more chances while i'm young and not tied down by too many things. For some reason this make me think of playing craps, but that is probably just my mild gambling addiction showing.

6- throw off shackles of society and be hobo - this would be temporarily satisfying but my desire to meet other expectations, compete with peers, and actually do stuff would end this stint soon, but still a possible stop along the way

7- go back to grad school for something completely different, like chinese, music, astronomy, math something not directly tied to ChemE or Bio related stuff. This is a risk that i don't know how ready i am to take. I guess what i keep thinking here is, if music or chinese etc doesn't work out, would i be able to safely make it back in the engineering world? guess i'll have to look for people have made the leap in the past. but still an option...

8- start own business/ business with friends. Need business idea and plan. I think with the right plan and idea, i would be totally down for going full force into this. I just need a plan with a high chance for success. big success. Maybe i can sit down and allot some time or confrence time with friends to find some ideas to jump on.

9- go back to college and use up NCAA eligibility for football and basketball in preparation for dual NBA/NFL career. I wish.

Oh real world. You present before me so many more options than previous non-real worlds i lived in. So after laying out the options, 7 reasoanble ones are there, that sucks that there are so many, but maybe i'll post them on my wall so i think about it more than i do, eliminating some. As I read back, i kind of diverged from the theme of finding passion; I suppose that it is IN these options that i hope i should find some thing to be passionate about.

Hobbies/extracurrics
--------------------

To the note of passion, I figured out that not everything I like it a passion, and that those things are hobbies. Like I have an interest in astronomy, but i don't think it is career/passion material, it's just something i would like to involve part of my time in. So seperating likes/loves -> hobbies/passions is something i've accepted and embraced.

Hobbies:

1- piano, definitely never could be a career, but really like playing it in downtime. Jackie (more on her later :p ) gave me one of those compilations of 100 greatest classical piano pieces for christmas and honestly it is one of the best gifts i've ever gotten. as i poke through some pieces, i find i recognize the piece but never knew the name or how to play it. Really fun to learn to play these famously beautiful pieces, especially non-Beethoven or non-Mozart, like Chopin, Mendehlson, or DeBussy. I still am no good compared to legions of Asian child prodigies, but this is still fun for me

2- music in general, still love my 6th grade till now music collection, dabbling in current pop while exploring the past. Finsihed my classic rock and 80's rock stint and motown stint for now. May be heading into a Beatles and Temptations focus right now, they made a lot of freakin music. In classical world, still working on really knowing the Beethoven symphonies and Chopin's piano works.

3- tennis - got a lot better in the past couple months, main opponent is Ricky, actually only opponent, but we're competitive every game so it's always a good work out and fun

4- learning chinese - been really lax on this and i still think i need some structured program to do this well. Note to self, need to start a lot of weekly items, so many that even if i forget some, i will at least remember some. Maybe listen to pod casts to build vocab. oh well...progress needed here.

5- HOUSTON ROCKETS: 21 IN A ROW. NUFF SAID.

6- word games. scrabulous online with DYW is definitely a hobby now, i feel like it sharpens the mind. Boggle with Jackie is definitely fun too and keeps me on my toes. Scattegories is a new hobby with Jackie as well that keeps me humble since i constantly get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. However, it feel it really taxes my mind in a good way. Maybe i can start crosswords again, only can do the easy monday ones tho...Cranium would be a welcome addition...need to gain a group for numbers tho.

Girls and the L word
--------------------

At some point, I decided that despite having no clue what passion I could devote my career to, I knew that something I wanted to do in this life is find love, that elusive concept that has both men and women have sought throughout the ages. I’m sure some die without ever knowing it, and others find love that becomes more famous than the people themselves. It’s been a constant throughout history, transcending race, religion, and location, so you might say it is inherent as much as other base
instincts like hunger and fear.

Jaded folk might consider this description idealistic or lofty, but this is what’s going on in my mind. You can call me young and foolish, that’s fine. I’ll scrap and fight and be boisterous then, even for a chance at finding it. I suppose that’s what you do when you’re passionate about something, rush at it full force, no holds barred (or is it no bars held?, I was never clear on that)

So now, my faithful readership which I am positive numbers <10 people, an update on my journey so far. Gather round and huddle close. There I sat in late ‘06, Single in Cincinnati (sounds like a Dear Abby pseudonym, no?). Little bit looking, little bit chillin’, nothing to cause any drastic action, I wasn’t in scramble mode or busting down doors. Just floating down the lazy river, chewin’on my pa’s old corn pipe, dreamin of times when things was simple, and all you could ask for was a pipin’ hot plate of home cookin’ and a tall one to whittle away the afternoon. (that was for Wei-fu, even tho he will probably never read this)

Then, at a work-related Asian training/leadership retreat deal, things changed. Going in expecting to be force fed days of corporate buzzwords and hackneyed behavioral tactics, I found something more. On Day 1, fate (or her tardiness) sat her next to me, and her sarcastic wit tickled me. On Day 2, fate moved me to sit across from her (i.e. the training coordinators mixed up the seating for whatever reason), and I couldn’t help but stare. Literally, I just stared at her the most of the time and she probably got a little bit weirded out or thought she had something on her face, but I suppose it didn’t scare her off completely in retrospect. On breaks, I’m sure I was a nervous bumbling wreck as I tried to make small talk with her…then later that day when she handed my ass to me in a driving video game (don’t ask me why we were playing video games at a training) and then proceeded to spit all the trash I talked right back at me, I knew I was dealing with something special. (in retrospect, I didn’t talk that much trash because you know it was towards a girl, I just something like “are we gonna really do this?” kinda with the tone that I was assuming a win for me, It was I think the championship round, and I believe she wrecked shop on that game, so I got beat pretty bad. With my head hung in defeat, I don’t even remember what she said when she got in my face)

Anyway, as the training closed, I knew I had to do something. The training ended with some deal where everyone could write notes to each other, some sort of motivational deal where people could connect or compliment each other on leadership skills or something. I was thinking “perfect, I can tell her how much I liked being with her and ask her out, leave my number”. I chose my words carefully and wrote it out and had it ready to deliver. THEN, she gave me her note which read something to the effect of:

“You should give yourself more credit in being a leader than you do. I’m glad you live relatively close to me”

Read it and was floored. My note which detailed how I couldn’t help but look at her while asking her to dinner sometime was promptly ripped up in 4 pieces; how could I respond with something so bold to something so pedestrian? So I sat there and on the bus ride home contemplating my next move.

As the bus pulled into the place where we parked all of our cars before leaving for the training, I still knew I had to do something. After this point, I might never see her again, so it was now or never. I walked her out to her car fate had conveniently parked next to mine. As she loaded her luggage into the car (I’m sure I was too nervous to think to assist her), I stepped up to the plate and swung.

…

The answer? Silence, a semi-bewildered look, and finally a rushed “I’ll see you later”.

So, I got in my car and drove to meet some folks for dinner. In my mind, the answer was pretty much a No, but I was ok. I was thinking things like “man…sucks, but at least I got out there, tried my hand at the whole asking out a girl thing again”. She was right about one thing though, she would see me later, at the very dinner I was meeting people us for. It wasn’t really awkward in particular like one might expect (well from my POV at least). I’m not sure what drove me to be bold and sit next to her, but I did it. I did my best to put on my too cool/nonchalant face and hide my just-got-turned-down face. Nothing too notable happened at dinner, but I remember as we left I watched her get in her car and thought “well…that’s that. MONSTER SIGH” or something like that.

So the days that followed brought nothing eventful. Well I take that back, there were little glimmers of hope like facebook friending, a phone conversation that resulted in her thinking I hated her now, and other little snippets. Then on Thursday, at an impromptu happy hour, we met face to face again and she understood that I didn’t hate her and possibly the fact that I was of course still interested.

So in the days that followed that, through mutually independent scheming, we ended up seeing each other with at happy hours, parties, and eating out. Then we started just seeing each other. She kept telling me how her wireless didn’t work, so after enough prodding I volunteered to go fix it. To her credit, the wireless really was broken and needed to be reconfigured, but I still think she used it as a clever ploy to get me over there.

From then on out, we kept seeing each other whether it be meeting up in NYC, or me trucking over to her place randomly at 12:30 am, or me delivering my COVETED tempur pedic Swedish pillow to her when she was sick. I suppose at some point in all this I was lucky enough for her to take a liking to me and it’s been crazy ever since.

I'd reckon to believe that most of the readership here has heard a of my Miss Jackie Yee if not met her (those that are Cincinnatites/Cincinnatians, actually i think only Kristan reads this blog and has met Jackie face to face) But she's a bit younger than me and from New York. The whole boy from Texas with the girl from New York has a bit of a Green Acres feel to it, but not that extreme, cuz i'm not that hick and she's not that lavishly rich/needy (not the "that" haha j/k) What a place for two people to meet from opposite parts of the country...Cincinnati. How could I sum her up in a couple words? Perfect balance of opposites and balance for me. Like sweet most of the time, but just sour enough at times for my taste/to counter me. Both quiet yet boisterous depending on the situation. Paranoid enough when I'm naive, but calming when i'm going insane. A match for me in so many ways. Not to mention beautiful, there are not that many beautiful Asian girls in cincinnati, so i'm always paranoid of suitors.

So date 3/15/08, I've only known this girl for 5 months, but it feels like so much longer. I don't think either of us believes that it has only been 5 months since rejection in the parking lot, but it has been insane in a good way. I've never done it like this before, and what i mean by that is spending almost every non-work hour available with her and to have her with me or on my mind constantly, without tiring of it all. It's different than anytime before, just a little, the right amount of pushing back and forth. An even-ness or reciprocation of give and take. The glances where I can read her mind or where one word says so many more.


But something that holds constant with all girlfriends is that she makes me realize that i really don't know that much about girls. And perhaps it's because you can't know about all girls because they're all a different monster...i mean not monster, i mean they're all a different person, so you have to know/respond in different ways to each of them. So you can't ever know "girls" you can only know individuals because they're all different, unique from one another.

and i have a really special one <\mushy>

Alrite, well 8-9 pages is long enough in my book. I'll have to document Friends/Family/Faith in another document/blog. It's been good blogging again, therapeutic to type so much in almost stream of consciousness. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new chapter of blogging?

-Lucky Jeff

For historic purposes ONLY

I found this old snippet of a blog from AUGUST 2007, decided to post it even though it's incomplete. for historic means i suppose. Kind of like how it ends without any conclusion, which makes perfect sense.

8/3/07

Subject: career angst, life direction

Blog? Sure. Why not.

It has been really forever this time. For a while there, I was blogging a decent amount at work, but things have really gotten busy, so I guess I don’t have as much time to kill at work. Most people at work tend to say things like “better busy than bored” or “makes the time fly, don’t it?”. And it’s all true to me at first anyway. I mean it is a lot better to have things to do instead of lying in front of my computer pretending to look busy all the while lamenting that there is no sports news or new interesting articles for me to peruse. And when you’re doing things or when you have meetings booked all day, then, yeah, before you know it, it’s 5 PM and you’re sauntering out to your car, ready for the drive home…

So that’s all well and good…but…part of me asks...is there something more? This can be topped…right?

And maybe its cuz I’m young and inexperienced, but the answers in my mind is “yes”. A very certain “yes”. More and more it seems like the mindset of people here and in the Midwest in general is “hey, you got a job, why complain? Steadiness has its benefits right?”. I can’t help but think of Pochahontas and her “Rivers” song where she laments her choice between John Smith and Kokoum (excuse my spelling), adventure vs. security, the risk vs. the sure thing.

In one of the many “personality analyzers/test” things I’ve taken, one of my “strengths” has been identified as “Maximizer”.

(cont…8/30/07…wow)

So Maximizer is someone who doesn’t like so much taking bad things and turning them into good things, but taking good things and making them GREAT. Maybe even making great things into the best. When I got this result, it appealed to me, but I can’t think of many examples in my life where this applies. I suppose I’ll think aloud here. (honestly, I wasn’t sure where I was going with this whole blog when I started it a month ago) hmm, list seems like a good format for this:
- generally, not enjoying things that I’m bad at
- and consequently, liking things that I’m naturally good at and getting really good at them
- I do like championships in general, because those reveal the best of the best

So, maybe I will be happy if I can be the absolute best at something. I idolize Mozart and to a lesser degree Einstein because they are regarded as the “bests” in many eyes. When I was small I wanted to be an artist and I think it was because I was the best artist in the class. (The result of that - I had 3rd grade art skills in 1st grade, but when I was in 5th grade I still had 3rd grade art skills). I mean I can’t pinpoint when I lost interest in that, but that might be a useful data point in my search.

So as I learned of the vastness of our earth combined with developing math skills, I realized, the chance of you being the best person at something is pretty slim. Thanks to exponentially increasing population, the probability gets worse everyday (India, China… I’m looking at you). Perhaps I can be the best at being “jeff chan”. Ok great, well in that case I want to be the best at something else too. Right now at 23, I still have hope. Maybe some people lose this hope in the teenage years (translation: angst), but it has not died in me yet. One barrier to this is to find something. Maybe I don’t have to be the best, but maybe one of the top would be nice. I just need to pick something to devote myself to. The problem is, we only have one life to live, one life to devote. If you pick the wrong thing, then you have wasted your chance. Or if you don’t pick something, you have wasted your chance. For now, I am still looking for that thing. I am not in panic mode yet, but towards the age of 30, I will start to panic or perhaps, lose hope.

In my ponderings, sometimes I wonder if some big life change will alter my perception, my direction. Maybe if I find a wife, my life will be devoted to being with her or the resulting family. If I don’t find a passion, I will most probably funnel these homeless energies into whatever children I have. I will try to let them find passion, and live vicariously through them. I will try to avoid the path of forcing them into my passions, as is well-documented in TV and movies.

Possible passions-

Music- I can’t perform…

Back, but not for good?

*awkward glance/look in blog's direction*

*quick look away*

*sneakily moves eyes back to look at blog*

Oh hi! I didn't know you would be here...how have you been?

Oh yeah...it has been a while. You know, it's gotten kind of busy...

Excuse? I didn't know you felt like that. I thought that I left you on a good note, but I guess not!

What do you mean I kept saying I would post? And that I was gonna be back for good, blogging regularly!? Why don't you stop and read the posts for what they actually say?! I've always left myself a door for not posting anymore!

What do you mean you didn't think I meant it! I don't play games. I post what I feel blog!

Well...i'm sorry if I hurt you. I miss the old times too. I was just a college kid, had more time you know? And things were changing so much then, I had you to talk to about it.

You're right, things are changing a lot for me too, but I guess...i dunno things are different...

I don't know "how" things are different! they've just changed alright? I can't say for sure, i'm confused too! a little lost ok? I just need some space!

Why I came back? Well...like I said. Sometimes I think of the old times and think why not? I mean I'm ready to be honest...It's all my fault. and you've been waiting for me.

I can't promise that. I mean, I'm here now but I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, next week or anything! But I guess I'm here now...so let's just see what happens. I just want you to know...that you could get hurt again. Are you really ready to go through it again?

Ok then...let's go get some ice cream then.

-Jeff

sorry blog...

Sorry blog. I know i tempt you with little promises to return and then shut you out with a cold shoulder.

But things have been getting so busy and fast paced lately, that I hardly have time to stop for a breath much less blog about it. Perhaps when the dust settles and I stop talking in vague ambiguous generalizations, then i will fully explain what i'm beating around the bush about.

Or perhaps not and my future self will struggle with wtf i am talking about.

Till next time i find a second of extreme bordem...